Becoming Emotionally Self-Reliant

For many years, I have been a bit emotionally needy. I sometimes even find myself going back into this predicament from time to time. The fact is I don't handle emotional pain very well. Tell me - who does?! I discovered that in a harsh way the day I lost my daughter - Jasmine - she died after twenty seven days old and although this devastating incident happened 7 years ago its still a wound that never goes away and opens itself up every year without fail once her birthday comes around. I buried her at the start of October so this month is always personally a bit hard for me. The bittersweet thing is 4 years later, I gave birth to my son James a day before the date I buried her so that oddily helps me to block out the loss a little by the celebration of his birthday which by the way was great. These days I chose to escape my miserable feelings where possible once I find myself going back there. After all I am lucky to have the kids that I have now, their births were not easy at all! and am delighted that the kids are healthy - so why am I even allowing myself to get down is beyond me?! I am not a needy person either - not in a crazy, desperate way, but in the way that many of us are. 

Here is what I have learned in terms of becoming more emotionally self-reliant and maybe what I have to say will help others so here goes:

My mistakes included: 

1. I wanted someone else to make me happy,
2.  Blamed others for my unhappiness - not realizing at the time I was either, 
3. Sought to fulfill my emotional needs through others or the internet.

This caused all kinds of problems I didn't even realize were there: I’d have relationship problems because if the other person was not meeting my needs, I’d resent it. I’d be unhappy lots of the time, because I thought happiness was outside of me, and therefore it was unreliable and elusive. I was helpless, because if other people are supposed to make me happy and fulfill my needs, then what could I do if they did not? What could I do if they hurt me instead?

From the research that I have made online, usually, this way of thinking starts in childhood. After all, we rely on our parents for our emotional needs — love, comfort, support, validation, etc. And we don’t often develop emotional self-reliance skills as kids, because parents (out of love for us) do their best to provide for all these needs.

And then we become adults, without having learned emotional self-reliance at all. And so we look for someone else to fill our emotional needs. We look for the perfect partner, and will probably go through a few breakups, because 1) we’re not emotionally independent but we fool ourselves into thinking we are at the time, and so we do needy things that hurt a relationship, and 2) our partner is probably the same way.

But here is the mistake that we make: we should not seek perfection in our partners. Just accept them the way they are - love them for who they are and if they make mistakes with you embrace it - try to take things less personally. Strive to find inner happiness more and you will probably realize that your relationships becomes better gradually.

If we’re ever hurt, we tend to blame the other person for hurting us. If they are not there for us, we blame them. If something bad happens to us, we become victims, because you can’t move on with your life if someone has done something bad to you, right? Oh yes you can - I chose not to be that victim anymore. 

Its all about the choices you make - the paths you take on your conquest to this place of inner peace.

So what truly is the solution - are you ready for it?

We have to learn this: Happiness is not outside ourselves. Its on the inside.

Only in the last few years have I been becoming more emotionally self-reliant day after day. It has made my relationships better, and has greatly increased my happiness. But the only problem I have is to try and remember to practice what I preach that sometimes you are better off not dwelling on the negatives that have happened or are happening to you right now - focus on the positives.
And here’s the thing: it’s not their job to fill our emotional needs. They are struggling trying to meet their own needs. Nobody is perfect. Accept this. Forgive the person you are with if they have shortcomings. Make your own happiness.
So instead of looking for happiness from someone else, we have to realize it’s not out there. 
Simply put: It’s within us. It’s available right inside us, right now, all the time.

Happy positive thoughts really do make happier people.